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I'm scared, Queen.

I have this plan to take ownership of my life in every aspect of the word and I am frozen in fear.

It's crazy because I preach on the Phorbe Instagram page all the time about how you just have to take the leap of faith. Just do it and see what happens. Yet, I am fighting off strong waves of giving up before I've even started. Every day I think: What if I don't? What if I just stick to the systems that are already in place? What if I just stayed inside the box?

In reality, that would work...for now. But if the past is any indication, it won't last for long and I will be right back where I started...right back where I am right now in 6-12 months. I'm tired of the flip flopping. I'm tired of depending on other people to be good people. I'm tired of the system.

However, taking the leap of faith is terrifying. If I chop down the wood to start building my own table today, I know that six months from now, I can be eating good. My struggle is with those months in between now and then. I don't know what's going to happen and that terrifies me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I've chosen the system time and time again and it's let me down each time. I need to do something different. I know I will be alright if I choose ownership. I believe that I will be more than alright. That I could finally move from surviving into thriving. However, not knowing what's it's going to cost me for those first six months is giving me stress nightmares, suppressing my appetite, and quite literally makes me want to throw up right here and now.

I'm at war with myself. At the end of the day it all comes down to one question: If I choose the systems already in place, will I be happy with my decision in six months? Yes, choosing ownership may take six months to catch my footing. However, once that six months of sacrifice has passed, I will be in a much better place. If I choose the system, then I could be on my way to having to start all over again in six months. I am tired of that.

I've made my decision already, I'm going to begin building my own table. I'm just stuck at the starting line after the gun has already gone off. Trapped in fear and what ifs. Yet, all around me I am receiving signs from the universe, from the news, from others who've built their own tables that I've made the right decision. So, I'm writing this blog post, to help remind me of my "Why".

Here are 3 reasons why I should build ownership:

My boss' response to Covid

In response to the worldwide shutdown and quarantine due to the Covid 19 virus, the CEO of the company that I worked for, at the time, sent an email with the subject: Smaronavirus. This person then proceeded to have a complete melt down over the course of multiple emails in multiple weeks about how the virus was fake and that they should be able to force us to work anyway, even through the government mandated shut down.

There was no regard for this person's employees and our safety. The bottom line was that this person was loosing money and they didn't care that people were getting sick, they just wanted us back to work. In fact, we were forced to come back to work weeks before the mandate was lifted. If we didn't, we would lose our jobs.

This taught me a valuable lesson in that majority of us are just pawns, doing all the work to line someone else's pockets. Coming from a model employee who would bend over backwards to see the company succeed and reach it's goals, an employee who worked through her lunch breaks and never took PTO, a person who clocked in early and left 30 minutes to an hour late, I'm done. I refuse to give my all to a company that will replace me in less than 48 hours if I were to fall ill and die. I'm done with being undervalued and underappreciated.

Even though I'm terrified, I need to take this leap of faith now, so that I will never have to scrounge for change to get to a job where my health and well being takes a back seat to the CEO's pockets, again.

TikTok's Volatility

I have amassed a small following on TikTok this year. In fact, I spend majority of my time and attention on Tik Tok nurturing that new audience and stretching my creative muscles. However, every day I'm on TikTok, I see some creator who's account was completely suspended for absolutely no reason. These creators put in the work to build their accounts up to hundreds of thousands and sometimes even millions of followers, yet, because of Tik Tok's loose community guidelines and a few haters, it could all just disappear in an instant. Lots of people make a good living off of TikTok and to wake up one day to their account being deactivated, without any explanation, means they've lost a source of income.

Outside of completely deactivating accounts, I'm seeing posts being taken down or improperly flagged for no apparent reason. The messed up part about all of this is, there's nothing we as creators can do about this situation because we're using TikTok's platform.

The only way to combat the volatility of TikTok is use it only as a gateway for new people to find you. That's what social media should be; an introduction to a creator. From there, it's up to creators like me to convert you to a space that we have ownership of. I own this website. I should be converting my thirteen thousand followers to the phorbe website and having them sign up for my mailing list. That way, if anything were to happen to my TikTok account, my followers would still know where to find me and would still have access to all of their favorite videos of mine.

Although I'm scared, I need to create my own so that I will always have direct contact with the Queens in the Phorbe Queendom.


If you haven't heard yet, Only Fans announced this week that they are banning sexually explicit content from their website starting in October. Nevermind that Only Fans' popularity and success was built off of the backs of millions of sex workers who use their site to connect with their fans. This decision is going to put millions of people out of a major source of income. Yet, OnlyFans corporate leaders could care less.

I'm not an OnlyFans creator, but I would be devastated to learn that I had less than two months to figure out how to transfer my following and content to another site or server without disrupting my income. But again, because these creators don't own OnlyFans, there's nothing they can do but scramble to transfer their following and content.

Although I am mortified, I need to create my own now, so that no one but myself and the Phorbe Queendom has a say over what content I create and how I present it.

I talk a big game on our blog here and on all the Phorbe social accounts. It's real easy to talk the talk but extremely difficult to walk the walk. I want to be a Queen of my word. I also want to be a happy Queen. So, I will take this leap of faith and walk into the unknown shaking and terrified. I do this mainly for my future self and her success, but also to show you that it is doable.

I plan to document my journey on YouTube here. I have also created a second TikTok account for Phorbe here and will, from this point forward, be updating this blog on a consistent schedule of every Tuesday and Thursday from now on. I hope you'll follow along on this journey with me.

Six months is a long time that can go by fast. I know that nothing I face in these next few months can compare to the trauma I've already overcome in my past or the success that I will gain from choosing me in the future.

I'm choosing me.

I'm choosing to build my own table.

I'm choosing Queen Maree!



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