We've all had one at some point in our lives. They bad mouth you to everyone they know. They go out of their way to stop you from being great. They give you a hard time in group settings or on collaborative projects. Some of them are so bold as to tell you what they think of you, either in person or cowardly, behind a computer screen. I'm talking about haters Queens. Aptly named because they just hate to see you out here shining, living your best life, skin glowing, drinking water, minding your own business and being the boss ass Queen that you are.
We've all had one and, if we're really being honest, we've all been one. They are a natural part of life just as the air you breathe. However, although we know a hater ain't shit. Too many times we allow them to get to us; permeate our focus and mess with our heads. That is not the way to handle a hater.
In this post, I would like to lay out the different types of haters there are and give you useful tips on how to deal with each kind. That way, the next time you come across a hater, you'll know exactly how to squash them like the bugs they are.
So, what are the different types of haters? There are 3 and they can be categorized by the basis on which they hate: haters who hate from jealousy, haters who hate as a projection, and haters who hate from narcissism. Let's break it down!
It is hard work stepping into your full potential to conquer your dreams. The road to success is not paved in gold. It is cold, wet, lonely, dark, and covered in thorns. Sometimes the road just disappears and you have to work to find it again. For this reason, success is not meant for everyone. Or, on the other hand, it takes a long time for people to fully commit to their journey or even realize that they're on the wrong journey.
Do you know how many other Beyonces, Serenas, Simones, and Michelles are out there but their mom told them their dream was unattainable, they grew up in trauma, or are just too afraid to jump from a secure boring job to the job of their dreams? A jealous hater is not happy with their life and, for so many different reasons, is not willing to change that. Then they see you, out here shining your light, carefree, un-phased and unbothered and they get beside themselves.
How dare you do what they can't do? How dare you reach for your dreams and make it look so damn easy? How dare you accomplish your goals when they are stuck (by their own doing) in their unhappy hell hole of a life?
Many haters stem from people who once had a dream, but have chosen to give up on that dream. They hate you because they want to be you. They want to succeed and be happy just like you. But they're not. Instead of doing anything about changing their lives, so they can be happy too. They'd rather do everything in their non-existent power to make you feel the way they feel. So, they hate.
How do you deal with a Jealous hater? You ignore them. These types of haters are dumb and don't deserve a minute of your time and attention. You can recognize them easily because they are the ones who talk negatively about you behind your back or write horrible things to you in the comment section on social media. They will never say anything to your face because they don't know what confidence is. Otherwise they'd be using it to tackle their own goals.
Think about it, whenever you've ever been jealous of someone (don't lie, you know you've been jealous of somebody at some point in your life), there was nothing they could say to change your mind about how you felt of them. They weren't shit because you weren't shit and none of it made sense but, it's just how you felt.
There's nothing you can do to change a jealous hater's mind. So why bother wasting your time? Remember, they don't have anything going on in their life. So there's nothing they can do to truly effect you. Don't let them get in your head. If anything, let this type of hater go to your head in that, you are a bad bih out here doing the damn thing and people are noticing and scared. Keep doing you boo boo. Ignore them and let them continue to hate from outside the club.
Life is unfair Queens. Bad things happen to good and innocent people all the time. You know what I'm talking about because you've been there. You've had a "worst day of my life" kind of day. You've had your world flipped upside down in an instant. The difference is, you know that when life knocks you down, the best thing to do, is get back up and keep going.
Again, that is easier said than done and sometimes the blow can just be numbing. Sometimes it's a numbers game and you come across a hater at the lowest point in their lives. The timing didn't match up, quite right. Whatever the reasons may be, this type of hater is going through some shit and they are feeling a lot of different emotions that range from anger, to sadness, to confusion and everything in between.
They are mad at the world and everyone who crosses their paths because they are stuck feeling like this and it's not fair. They project their feelings and problems on to you, because it's just easier than facing their demons. So, they hate.
So, how do you address a projecting hater? You kill them with kindness. These people just want to be seen and heard. This type of hater is recognizable because they lash out at you in person, to your face in nice but nasty ways. The words they speak tell a different story from how the tone they're using. They're confused and so they confuse the whole situation by making it seem like they're the victim. You shining and being great is effecting them and so they just had to make that be known.
Be as nice as you can to these haters but don't let anything they say fool you. These types of haters are vindictive and will go to great lengths to sabotage you. So, do your best to smile in their face, complement their outfit, and end the conversation as quickly as possible. Let them think they are being heard, when in reality, everything they're saying is going in one ear and out the other.
This type of hater is your Karen. I've seen a lot of caucasian women speaking out about how they take offense to the term Karen and how it should be coined as a racist term. Unfortunately, these feelings are misguided, as a Karen is a personality type. Is it our fault that many white women possess this personality, due to decades of systematic racism and therefore, get rightfully dragged for it?
A Karen is tired. Because a Karen is worrying about their business and everybody else's business in their vicinity. While there may be some jealousy or projection involved, for the most part, a Karen is just fine. In fact, they think they're better than everyone else and that if everyone just did what they asked, the world would be a better place. A Karen doesn't know they're doing anything wrong because they can't do wrong. They are the upper echelon of society here to right all of our wrong doings and tell us so to our face. You feel where I'm coming from?
So, how do you handle a narcissistic hater? YOU DON'T BACK DOWN. These haters are recognizable by their bark. They're loud and proud and think they are telling you something about yourself. This hater is at least one of the "ist"s. They are either racist, sexist, abelist, ageist, or all of the above. Their language will prove this.
We've all seen the videos of Karens going off about this and that. They are confident as hell, but as soon as you talk back, as soon as you turn your camera on, their entire aura shifts. Then they want to play the victim and call the police making up stories about what's going on.
Talk back. Turn on your camera. Match their energy. Let them know that you are not going to be swayed by them. Let them know that they have absolutely no power or authority over you. There is a fine line to this as you never want to touch a Karen, you never want to get less than six feet away from a Karen. Always remember that a Karen is delusional and needs professional help. They are not worth you going to jail or losing progress on your goals. Match their energy outwardly. Do not let them effect you internally.
Avoid being Petty
Queens in all instances, with all the different types of haters, you want to avoid being petty. I know it sucks and you just want to retaliate in the most childish way possible. But you know better than that. You are a Queen. Don't let a hater force you into stooping to their level. Pettiness feels good in the moment, but always comes with a consequence. Don't do it Queen.
Tamera Mowry-Housley once said that her mother used to always tell her and Tia that having a hater is something to be proud of. She would say: "If you have a hater, congratulations. That means you're doing something right."
At the end of "Formation", Beyonce states "Always stay gracious. The best revenge is your paper".
Queen, the best way to get back at your haters, the best way to really just get under their skin, deep in there with all the cells and follicles, is to continue to SLAY! That's why they're hating in the first place. Because you are out here doing the damn thing and they just can't stand it. Keep slaying! Keep conquering your goals! Keep busting ass and taking names! That is how you truly get back at a hater.
It's a beautiful day to conquer the world. So, step into the Queen you're meant to be and SLAY!
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AUGUST 4, 2020