CHOOSING ME

"If I offer you 1 million a year would you take it?"

Well, it wasn't 1 million, but for a girl who grew up the way I did, it might as well have been. I didn't even think about it. Why would I? Who in their right mind would turn down a million dollars?

"Yes!" I said, a little too eager. Shieet, I needed to make sure he heard me as soon as possible. Just in case he decided, in the next half of a mili second, to rescind the offer. Bitch, I made it! A million dollars? Do you know what I can do with a million dollars? That is the most...wait...yeah, that would be the most money I have ever made before in my life. Oh my gosh, what a come up. You did that Jas. You did that!

"Good. I'll go talk to HR right now and make it happen. Yes, Jas, I'm so happy to have you on board. We're going to get this thing going. You don't know how bad we need you. Plus, you're a Queen, you don't need to be doing all of this...", he gestures at all the snacks on the table I have to put away as part of my current position with the company.

He was right. I am a Queen! I deserve so much better than the crappy job I'm working now. I deserve A LOT better pay than the pay I'm working for now. Yas Queen! We're coming up in the world!

I walked back to my desk, internally congratulating myself and feeling myself for leveling up, yet again. But as soon as I sat down, my stomach dropped. I immediately felt uncomfortable. This was a good thing right?

I started this position back in January and although, I spoke with this person about becoming his department's admin back in February, so many things have changed since then. The major change has to be #MsRona. After shut down the country, I saw a different side of my employers. One that I'm not to happy with.

However, instead of complaining, I decided that it was time to take my life into my own hands. I used the time that I was furloughed from work, to really dig deep and search for what would make me happy.

Working another 9-5 means I have consistent income, but I do miss the freedom that I had working as a ride share driver. On the other-hand, ride sharing is getting ready to be shut down in California, indefinitely, so I dodged a bullet there. Even though, I knew all of this, I knew I was still unhappy. My employers reaction to Covid really woke me up to the fact that, I will never be happy at a 9-5. Really, I will never be happy working and giving my all to someone else's goals and dreams ever again.

At the time, Phorbe had been on a hiatus for about a year and a half. I have such big dreams for Phorbe Queens. Content I want to release, trips I want to plan, events I want to host, products I want to sell. My personal brand, @msjasminemaree has been stuck at 350ish followers for three years now. I have so many plans for that: a Youtube channel, consistent creative content, inspirational content etc.

If you all remember, back in 2017, I took a three month staycation where I didn't work and I just stayed at home praying, meditating, and journaling. During that time I came to the realization, that my goals have been the same since I was 13 years old. The only change, over the years, was that my goals have gotten more and more detailed. More planned out and bigger. Yet, for the most part, they have been the same for over 15 years. In that fifteen years, I've reached maybe 20% of all of my goals. But I've helped other people reach %100 of their goals on countless occasions.

In April of this year, while furloughed on a stay at home order, I decided to recommit to this goal. I decided that I would stop putting my all into other people's goals and dreams and start being selfish. I actually committed to this back in December 2019, however, I decided to take this to the next level during my hiatus from work.

I jumped head first into my goals and dreams. I restarted Phorbe, I started 4:13, I started working out regularly and watching what I eat. I started my morning and evening routine and started reading books and catching up on my favorite shows. I let go of other people's expectations and needs from me and began focusing on my own.

While I can admit, that my momentum has slowed down since returning to work, the direction is still pointed towards me. I wear my crown on my head, every day Queens, as a reminder that I am a Queen and I am worthy of a thriving life where all of my goals and needs are met. With my crown on my head, I am reminded, constantly of all that I am working for.

That is why there was a sink hole in my stomach on Monday, when the director of another department offered me a promotion that would more than double my current salary.Yes, the money was great, but at what cost? Yes, this is the type of position I have wanted ever since I was a little kid, yet it came with a crazy work schedule that would leave me no more time to work on Phorbe or 4:13. Yes, I would meet different successful people from all walks of life, yet, I'm already doing that in my current position and could do that even more, on my own terms when I reach my goals.

No matter, how I looked at it, the cards kept pointing towards me not taking this position. But I had already said yes. I had already given my word. It's a million freaking dollars? I wouldn't turn down a million dollars would I?

It was like I was in a tug-of-war with pre-covid Jasmine and post-covid Jasmine. Pre-covid Jasmine would have taken the promotion in a heart beat, but pre-covid Jasmine was also not happy. Post-covid Jasmine is happy and reaching her financial, spiritual, career and life goals. She is not ready to give up on herself and go back to putting others before herself.

That sinking feeling in my stomach, that made me feel like I could throw up at any moment, was a feeling of hurt and betrayal. By saying yes to such a huge promotion and raise, I was betraying who I have become and all that I have worked some hard to build in the last few months. I couldn't live with that feeling while also knowing that I would not only be putting someone else's needs before my own, but someone who's morals and values are vastly different from mine. My employer's pockets are already deep, they don't need an extra help from me.

It was with that in mind, that I declined the offer less than twenty four hours later. I picked me. I chose me. Because, at the end of the day, God and I are the only ones who will every TRULY have my back.

Is there an area in your life where you, too, have a sinking feeling Queen? Is it time for you to make that selfish decision that would benefit you? Is it time for you to choose you? Well, here's your pep talk. You are a Queen. You deserve much more than a paycheck with a thousand strings attached. You deserve to never work another day in your life, ever again. You deserve to do something you love and get paid a shit ton of money to do so. You deserve to be happy Queen. So pick you. Choose you!

Step into the Queen You're Meant to be and SLAY!

Queen Maree

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AUGUST 19, 2020